Kayleen
and I have talking lately about how and why Father loves us so much. I have decided to document some of the tender
mercies in my life. Some of these have been discussed before, but some I have
held close to my heart. A big reason why
my faith is where it is, is due to Father's stream of "love notes" in
my life. These notes are what the Apostles
call "Tender Mercies"
When I
was 15 or 16, I had been hurt by what I felt was an emotional betrayal by my
mother. I was not really aware of the
wound, but Father was. One night I
"dreamed a dream." I had two pet cats. One was a tiger and one was
another big cat, but more of a happy cat.
I came into the room, and these cats were in cages, behind bars. I heard them pleading to be let free. I opened the cages, and both cats came
bounding out, playing with me and romping all around. As I lay in bed, I realized that I had been
holding my emotions tightly within, not allowing them to be expressed in any
manner. During my life, I have had a challenge to keep my emotions open for
others to see while keeping a leash on the anger or meanness of emotions. I still remember this dream as an inspired
love note from Father, helping me find greater joy and fulfillment in life.
In
previous posts, I have talked about other dreams to help me through difficult
times. I have found many love notes
delivered to me through dams.
Fourteen
months into my mission, I was given a difficult assignment from The Lord. After I got my transfer let, the mission
president called me to talk to me specifically about my companion. He wanted to go home. He had said that he
would stay one year before he went home.
His year would be up and he wanted to go home. Instead of regular missionary work, we walked
the streets of Berlin talking about our calling and our testimonies. Mostly his conversation could be called
"venting." At night I would kneel down to pray, and I felt what I can
only describe as a spiritual hug. He
comforted me every single night. He let
me know that He knew exactly what was going on and that I was doing exactly
what He wanted me to do. As Alma said,
there can be nothing as sweet and exquisite as the love of God.
Five
weeks into this companionship, I was praying one night and felt something a
little different. It was almost like the Spirit said, "Just a minute, I
have something to tell you. You will be going to Hamburg for the next Zone
Leader council meeting." This was
interesting since I was not a zone leader. Sure enough, it was confirmed a few
days later, that I would be traveling to Hamburg on the train, and that Elder
Xxxxxxxson would be getting a new companion. At the time, I wondered why it was
important to give me that message with an almost audible voice.
It didn't
really matter why, it did happen and I knew it. A few days later I was with a
Zone Leader and I asked him if he was taking anyone with him to Berlin for the
meeting. He confirmed that it was me, and then looked at me and said, you
already knew that, didn't you? I said yes.
I
concluded that Father wanted me to know that even though the assignment was
hard, he knew that it was hard and he thanked me for my help. A few months
after I was home, Elder Xxxxxxxson visited me at home, thanking me for my
patience with him. He said that my
testimony helped, and that he did come to know that the church was true.
In 1976
circumstances took me to Arizona for a few weeks in the summer. I was driving
my old car, and at one point the electricity just stopped working. I tried to
find the answer to the problem but could not all day. That night, I was praying and I heard an
almost audible voice tell me that tomorrow, He would help me fix my car. The
next day I putzed with the car for an hour, and suddenly, I had the answer come
into my mind. I tried the fix, and it worked. At the time, I wondered why He
would take the time to help me in that relatively unimportant task. I concluded
He wanted to let me know that He was my Father and would continue to impart
information to me to help ME in MY life as long as I was worthy.
A year or
so later, I was dating a woman somewhat consistently. At one point, I found that she had done
something I felt was a betrayal. I was
angry. It was during finals and I was so worked up I couldn’t concentrate and really messed up my first day of finals.
I went home from school, kneeled down and prayed. I heard an almost audible voice say, "Go
to the temple." I didn't really feel like going to the temple. I was angry, worked up, and confused. Again
the voice said, "Go to the temple."
So, I went to the temple. It was soothing to feel the spirit. Because it
was afternoon, there weren't a lot of people in the session, so they had
everyone stand in the prayer circle. The person voicing the prayer, at one
point said, "Help us, Father, to forgive others, especially those whom we
love." There was more, but the point hit home. I wondered at the time why Father would give
me such an explicit answer. I concluded
that since I tried to follow His counsel when He gives it, He was more open to
share advice with a poor servant like me.
A year
later, I had moved away from home. I had
three women in my life. Kayleen, Mari, and Lori. As always, I prayed for Father to help me
find my Eternal Companion. I asked if any one of the three was a relationship I
should pursue.
I heard
an almost audible voice say, "Kayleen." Because I was not expecting an answer, I
asked, "what?" He replied,
"Kayleen." Suddenly, I knew why he had been so open to giving me
audible answers. When the time came, He
wanted me to recognize the voice so that when the time came, I would not
dismiss His answer.
The
courtship was not completely smooth, which is why I needed to know up front
that this was the relationship for me to pursue.
The rest is history. We fell in love, we married, and now we are
strolling (or perhaps limping) into the Celestial Kingdom.
We are trying very hard to bring our children and grandchildren with us.
